Queuing In Spain

Have you ever had to queue in Spain with Spaniards? It’s quite possibly the most illogical thing known to man. Okay, so queuing in any country is no picnic but I think that when faced with queuing in Spain even the most hardened northern European or northern American will shudder and crack under the strain.

If you want to try this, you’ll need a mantra of some kind to get through the stress… here are a few suggested:

“They all have the mentality of five year olds”

“There is no logical reason why I’ll have to go through this ever again”

“Brandy, chocolate, ice-cream, kissing, coffee, kittens, snowflakes…. Etc”

I.E. the point of this mantra is to forget the real reason for actually being in the queue, and therefore deleting accumulated stress with a list of your favourite things.

“God made me to bring a good example of true queuing”

“I’m an envoy of millions, chosen for my queuing abilities” I.E if this mantra has to be used the best way is to lie to yourself, and dull the actually stress factors by slipping into your own queuing universe where the world is run in an orderly stress less manner.

“Why isn’t there a bar at the end of this queue?” This mantra works if there really isn’t a bar at the end of the queue, other wise the exercise of trying to figure the reason why there isn’t a bar at the end of the queue is absolutely pointless.

If these mantras don’t work for you try a game of spotting the most common of Spanish queuing behaviour. A list is provided below for you’re entertainment.

The queue pushers. This type of behaviour, if not actuated in the most subtle and devious manner, will not be tolerated by other Spanish in the queue and will be heckled by others to the back of the queue. The true queue pusher has developed a clever and interesting subterfuge to handling the queue. The queue pusher begins as an everyday Spaniard who is queuing, but then makes friends with the person in front of them, “ah ha” I hear you cry, “so that’s how it’s done”. But no, no, the queue pusher is far more intelligent than that, after successfully chatting to their fellow queue mate they disappear for a coffee and breakfast for a few hours, and here’s where the true subtly come in, they come back when the friendly fellow queue mate is further along and returns to their original spot!

The mating couple. This is popular behaviour amongst the younger queuing generations. Yes, why be bored standing in a long boring queue when you can come with you’re partner and exchange tongues, bodily fluids and gropes. This is treated as perfectly normal behaviour by the rest of the queuing body. To really enjoy spotting this common behaviour, why not count how many times tongues, gropes and other things are exchanged before the couple reach the queue destination.

The queuing grumbler. This you will see all through the queue, but is most pronounced as the queue fellow reaches the queue destination and others are allowed in to the A) restaurant, B) club, C) Job Centre before they are. Especially if said person is obviously not from Spain, you will frequently hear comments such as “Them people get better treatment because of their skin colour”, usually in Spanish and completely untrue.

The impatient grumbler. Like the above queue fellow, this will be seen all through the queue but more prominently at the queue destination. Instead of being like the previous grumbler, this one stands at the front of the queue and moans at the doorman/security guard that they only have to do such-and-such, like the rest of the seething queue behind them, or that their friend has just gone in and therefore they must also be let in. Sometimes accompanied by “the queue pusher” behaviour.

What an insight in to the TRUE Spanish culture! I wonder how much people would pay to come and see this side of Spain? Perhaps a travel company will offer it in next summers tours? Who knows, it could happen?!